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Did I Just Quit My Job?

Written By: Lauren Howard



I was on the floor of my office in a ball and a puddle of tears.


I was pretty sure the world just ended. Like, it had to have, right? 


Did I . . . did I just quit my job? 


HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FREAKING MIND? YOU HAVE CHILDREN.


In hindsight, maybe a little. In reality, I found a whole lot more. 


I stayed for longer than I should have. I made excuses for toxic culture, for opaque decision-making, for people who I thought were friends who definitely had to have my best interests at heart, and for so many other things. 


Until one day, the glass just shattered. 


It was a Slack message. That’s it. A message tearing me down for the last time for trying to fix a problem that I didn’t create. All of the pieces just clicked. They weren’t looking for solutions anymore. Maybe they never were. They just wanted echo chambers that supported their decisions— regardless of who they hurt. 


And that was it. 


I don’t even know if I meant to resign. It came out so quickly and it was maybe the first honest thing I had said about it in years. 


“I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’ll send my letter through this afternoon.” 

And they took me at my word, which at first felt like a betrayal and eventually felt like the best thing anyone could have ever done for me. At the time, it was like my insides were being ripped downward and squeezed through a PVC pipe of anxiety and shame. 


I let myself cry on the floor for days. I earned that. 


And then I got up and started doing the only thing that my body knew how to do. It certainly wasn’t my brain. That was still wrapped up in grief and anxiety over what happened and the uncertainty of what was going to happen. 


My hands started tapping away at the keyboard just saying . . . anything. Anything that came to mind. 


That was almost three years ago. 


Don’t leave a job without a plan if it would be harmful to you and your family. Don’t do what I did. You can be methodical and still powerful. 


DO get used to the idea that things can be better and they will be better. If it’s not what you want, it’s not the best it can get. You can take back control and make choices that will be better for you in the long run, even if you have to survive something hard right now. 


It gets less hard when you take back control. 


You can. 


I know you can. 


Before, I had no idea that this day was even possible, and yet here we are. 


Here’s to you, Team Difficult.


Image by Volkan Omez via Unsplash

 


Founder & CEO at elletwo



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