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You Are Worth Choosing

Written By: Lauren Howard



There is this crushing need. 


I still find myself in it from time to time, even though I know better. 


If you were raised by, raised around, or have spent any substantial period of your life with a narcissist, you are probably familiar. 


It’s this need for them to be the adult in the room. 


Even once. Even in some small way. Even if never again. 


As long as you maintain that relationship, it’s there. Someday, they’ll make the right choice for reasons other than what is best for them or what they want. Just one time, the decision will be selfless, will be true, the facts will not be manipulated. I can take everything at face value.


There is no angle.


Maybe this time will be different. Maybe they will respond the way I’ve always needed. Maybe the kid in me will finally get what I’ve been looking for and feel like this one time, I’m enough. 


I need you to know that it’s not going to happen. 


I also need ME to know that it’s not going to happen. I still find myself looking for it even though I identified it years ago and accepted that the reality is that it’s just not going to change. 


I’m sorry. 


I need you to know that you are being endlessly cruel to yourself by letting yourself believe that it’s coming only to end up in the same spot every time.


They have a way of putting on just enough of a show to make it seem like maybe this is the time. That endlessly optimistic child is cautious at first but then bites because maybe? Just maybe? 


It’s borderline devastating every time they prove that it’s the same.


They are not equipped to put you first. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for that. You deserve to be put first or even to just be put equally. 


You will have to choose you because they are not going to. 


You are worth choosing. I choose you, too. 


Read that again. 


You are worth choosing. 


You are enough. 



 


Founder & CEO at elletwo



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