Written By: Lauren Howard
How much of my life have I missed?
That’s kind of half rhetorical and half an actual question.
Actually, no. It’s not rhetorical at all. I really want to know.
Because the choice to do that, and it WAS a choice over and over, was really stupid.
When I started all of this, I didn’t take pictures.
I didn’t make videos.
I didn’t do lives.
I didn’t tell people I knew that I was writing.
I didn’t want to be seen.
I couldn’t imagine a world where I was front-and-center on anything.
Why?
Insecurity. Anxiety. Concern about what others would think.
Concern about what others would think about . . . me doing things that I am really enjoying doing??
Seriously?
Concern about how I looked, if people would think I earned where I was, and their second-hand embarrassment that I thought I had something to say.
We went on a short vacation with our kids the other day. It was the first time I went swimming in literal years. It was the first time I remember wearing a swimsuit except for maybe one other time since my kids were born. Not because there weren’t opportunities, but because I “don’t do that.” I don’t dare leave the house in a swimsuit.
I have acted for so long like my body and my brain were something to be ashamed of. I have gotten better control over the brain part in the last few years.
The body part, though. That’s been a much bigger hurdle.
And that hurdle has kept me from so much stuff and the only person who imposed it was me.
Fear of not being who I was 20 years ago kept me from so much.
I forgot how much I love to swim. I forgot how much time I spent in the pool as a kid and how much pride I took in being a fish. I forgot how much I enjoy being basically weightless and free flowing.
And then, beyond my personal enjoyment, how much time have I missed with my kids getting to watch them love something that I recognize so acutely?
Yeah, we’re done with all of that now.
You can both want better and love what you have now because it exists and should be honored.
We’re not hiding anymore, especially not when it stops us from creating core memories with the people we cherish.
We done with alladat.
What are you done hiding from?
Founder & CEO at elletwo