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I Thought I Had Been Caught

Written By: Lauren Howard

I thought I had been caught.

Finally, after 20 years, someone realized what I knew all along.

I was a big fat fraud with no skill and I finally met the person who knew better.

I was about three minutes into a meeting before the Imposter Syndrome was crushing me.

As a person who is certain I’m full of it 80 percent of the time, it doesn’t usually hit me when I’m in my zone.

I’m usually pretty confident when I walk into a meeting. When I’m left alone with my thoughts, I’m certain that I am capable of nothing, but when I’m on, I’m ON.

When I’m talking telehealth or 50-state telehealth coverage or clinical operations, I have found a comfortable spot being certain that I have nothing of value to say and people eating up my drivel with a spoon. It’s a weird place to live and yet it’s where I’m comfortable.

And yet, this time, there was nothing. I was saying the things that I know to be true, and I was getting rebuffed left and right. They didn’t like what I had to say. They didn’t like how I said it. They didn’t like how I ran the meeting.

That’s what I felt like, at least.

Nothing was hitting. Nothing.

I felt like I was floundering the whole time, which is a familiar feeling for me but not usually in that environment.

Finally, I had said everything I needed to say.

“Okay. I’m sure that felt like an interrogation. Thanks for tolerating that. Can you send us over an agreement?”

I am not one for stuttering but I sounded like a full-on Porky Pig because I was so shocked.

They weren’t questioning my skill. They were nervous, overwhelmed, and listening to a part of healthcare that they had barely heard about before. The problem was that we had different communication styles, and I wasn’t in control.

Ah, there it was. It wasn’t about my lack of skill. It was about my control.

They signed a contract the next day.

I wasn’t caught. I was in a new environment. I adapted, and it was uncomfortable.

Growth isn’t supposed to be comfortable. It can literally turn you into a Looney Toon.

Ab dee ab dee ab dee ab dee… that’s all folks.


Founder & CEO at elletwo


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